Here’s a list of 23 things you’ll (probably) never hear coming out of a professional photographer’s mouth.
#1: I love it when clients re-edit my images and then share them on Facebook.
#2: No, no…by all means…you go ahead and pose yourself.
#3: Come on, weather… I need a bright sunny day and NO shade!
#4: I’m sorry you don’t like your new hair cut in these pictures; that’s totally my fault.
#5: Okay, clothing suggestions: you wear stripes; you wear polka dots; you wear a “Hello Kitty” shirt and you wear a suit.
#6: I wish I could edit this wedding forever.
#7: Are you nuts? Of course I can make a homemade meal for dinner, help with homework, give baths AND edit this mountain of images tonight. All before 8pm.
#8: I keep my prices as low as possible because I enjoy working really hard for less than minimum wage.
#9: I know it’s the middle of the reception and I’ve been working hard for 7 hours, but I really, really don’t want a cold margarita.
#10: Hey, you’re a photographer, too, huh? Well, I was photographing MY client here, but go ahead and take the spot and we’ll go somewhere else.
#11: “Mommy loves it when you get all needy and clingy when she’s on a deadline.”
#12: I am happy to change your album layout as many times as you’d like.
#13: No, please. I don’t want any new equipment.
#14: Make sure to bring your baby in hungry and without a nap.
#15: I didn’t really learn anything, but dammit, I am so happy I spent $1,000 on this workshop anyway.
#16: I’m really thinking that a 30×40 canvas might be too big for you to enjoy.
#17: Are you kidding? I don’t need money…the EXPOSURE I’ll get from this is enough.
#18: Hey, thanks everybody in this Facebook Photography Group for your unsolicited opinions. Keep ‘em coming!
#19: This here is a USB drive and you will pass it down from generation to generation.
#20: It’s no big deal that you were an hour late. I was actually thankful for an hour to play Candy Crush on my phone.
#21: OH! You stole my picture and posted it, pretending like it’s yours. That’s so FUN!
#22: Thank God there’s a DJ at this wedding acting like my second shooter.
#23: OMG! You are SO right. It IS just “pushing a button.”
Have one of your own? Share it with us in the comments below!
About the author: Missy Mwac is a photography satirist, a lover of bacon, a drinker of vodka, a lover of sparkle, and a guide through the murky waters of professional photography. You can connect with her on Tumblr and Facebook. This article was also published here.
Image credits: Header photograph by m01229