Dear Canon and Nikon,
Last November, a spacecraft which had traveled 6.4 billion miles over ten years successfully landed on a comet. A COMET. This means we can now do ANYTHING, which is why I am writing you today with a list of suggestions, nay, improvements that I hope you will consider implementing in future DSLRs.
None of the suggestions are as daunting as landing on a comet, I assure you. Let’s get the idea machine started!
Warmed Hand Grips
Let’s face it, shooting while wearing gloves is the pits. Those little dials and buttons with which we change camera settings do not respond well to fingers covered in cloth or leather. You try to change a setting and end up yanking the glove off with your teeth in frustration.
Changing a camera setting while wearing gloves is like trying to pick up a dime with mittens on. And those fingerless gloves are about as useful as shorts in a snowstorm. Yeah, your palms are semi-warm while your fingers turn blue.
This problem could easily be solved if the hand grip had a warming unit. Hey, if we can warm our car seats and our steering wheels and blankets, then why not our camera?
Built-In MP3 Player
You’re in the middle of an on-location shoot and your client seems a little uncomfortable. Wouldn’t it be great to say, “Hey, let’s crank up some tunes on the ol’ DSLR!” For cameras with supported video, you could make a client music video all at the same time.
Facebook App and Video Games
Now, there are times at every wedding reception where things get a little boring. The wedding party is eating; you’ve photographed everything you can and are just standing around waiting for something to happen. It would be super nice if we could look at the display on the back of the camera and scroll through our Facebook newsfeed or play games.
To the guests, we would simply be a photographer perusing his/her images, but in reality, we are watching cat videos or trying to get a high score in Candy Crush.
A Camera Manual That Is Also a Pop-Up Book
I don’t think this really needs explaining.
Photographer Proximity Warning System
My dear husband’s car has a warning sound that comes on when the vehicle is too close to another car. I think you see where I’m going with this. I suggest that DSLRs come equipped with a system that alerts the photographer to the fact that he/she is in unacceptable proximity to another photographer with a DSLR.
For example, if I am shooting in the park and, during my session, another photographer arrives, the Photographer Proximity Warning System would activate, rendering them unable to use the camera until they move away an acceptable distance. (Note: Wedding photographers would be able to deactivate this feature. I mean, they would have to, or they’d never be able to shoot a wedding.)
Positive Reinforcement Sound Effects Shutter
Press the shutter on any DSLR and you hear, well, a shutter sound. It’s not a bad sound, kind of a clicking/whirring effect, but it would be so much nicer if instead of hearing that, you heard Sue Bryce’s voice saying one of the following phrases:
“You’re a stud!”
“These clients are lucky to have you!”
“This camera doesn’t deserve you!”
“You could sell this for 20 million dollars!”
It’s positive feedback for you AND you get to hear Sue Bryce’s voice. It’s pretty much a win-win.
You know when you swipe your credit card at a store and the card reader asks you to confirm the amount, and then asks you to confirm that you want it all on your card, and then asks you to confirm the amount ONE MORE TIME, well, I think cameras should do the same thing. For instance, if a user is photographing a family in front of a very very bright background without lighting them, the Suggestion Feature would activate and the user would see on the screen:
“Are you sure you want to do this? Press YES to continue.”
“Do you realize these are backlit? Press YES to continue.”
“Do you understand you will not be able to see their faces? Press YES to continue.”
“So let me get this straight–you are okay with the entire session being shot in silhouette? Press YES to continue.
“I’ve done all I can do. Press YES to exit.”
So, there you have it, Canon and Nikon: my 7 suggestions to make a good product a GREAT product. Should you care to buy any of these ideas from me, they may be purchased with several pounds of bacon, a case of Grey Goose, and a yacht.
Editor’s note: Just in case you missed it, this was a work of satire and was not meant to be taken seriously.
About the author: Missy Mwac is a photography satirist, a lover of bacon, a drinker of vodka, a lover of sparkle, and a guide through the murky waters of professional photography. You can connect with her on Tumblr and Facebook. This article originally appeared here.