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The Battle We Didn’t Choose: Capturing My Wife’s Fight With Breast Cancer

Warning: This article contains powerful and emotional content that may be difficult to view


Jen blurry

I knew the first minute I saw Jennifer that she was the one. Jen was beautiful and the kind of person that everyone wants in their life: she listened, and when you talked with her you felt like you were the only person who mattered. 

A few months later I finally worked up the courage to ask Jen out, telling her, “I have a crush on you.” At the time Jen was living in New York and I was in Cleveland. We talked on the phone for hours and wanted to know everything about each other; after 6 months of long distance dating I moved to New York.

I remember getting to town with an engagement ring burning a hole in my pocket and the girl of my dreams waiting there for me. That evening, after dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, I got down on one knee and proposed to Jennifer. For the entire cab ride home we held each other close and stared at the ring on Jen’s finger, we were totally in love. 

In September of 2007 we were married in Central Park and we couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day. When I first saw Jen walking down the path I couldn’t hold back the tears, she looked so beautiful and full of life. To this day I can’t put into words why I cried, I was just feeling more happiness than I ever imagined could exist in this world. 

I remember looking into Jen’s big brown eyes the entire ceremony, feeling that they held the world. 

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I still struggle to believe that 5 months after this perfect day Jen called me with news that our doctors believed she had cancer. I rushed home to be with Jennifer. Completely numb, I remember telling Jen, “We have each other, we’ll get through this together.” Jen’s eyes lit up.

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Our promise of forever was now being challenged by something so completely out of our control, but we made the most of life and embraced each moment, never letting cancer get in the way of our loving each other will all of our heart.

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With every challenge we grew closer. Words became less important, we felt each other so deeply. I remember one moment in particular, Jen had just been admitted to the hospital, in tremendous pain. Looking up at me from her hospital bed, Jen told me, “You have to look me in the eyes, it’s the only way I can deal with this pain.” 

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Throughout our battle we were fortunate to have a strong support group but we still struggled to get people to understand our day-to-day life and the difficulties we faced.

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Jen was in chronic pain from the side effects of nearly 4 years of treatment and medications. At 39, Jen began to use a walker and was exhausted from being constantly aware of every bump and bruise.

A passerby stares as Jen hails a cab.

10-9-2011 Man looking at Jen

Hospital stays of 10-plus days were not uncommon. Frequent doctor visits led to battles with insurance companies. Fear, anxiety and worries were constant.

Sadly, most people do not want to hear these realities and at certain points we felt our support fading away. Other cancer survivors share this loss. People assume that treatment makes you better, that things become OK, that life goes back to “normal.” However, there is no normal in cancer-land. Cancer survivors have to define a new sense of normal, often daily. And how can others understand what we had to live with everyday?

5-13-2011 Jen waiting to get chemo after 2 weeks in hospital

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My photographs show this daily life. They humanize the face of cancer, on the face of my wife. They show the challenge, difficulty, fear, sadness and loneliness that we faced, that Jennifer faced, as she battled this disease. Most important of all, they show our love. These photographs do not define us, but they are us. 

11-22-2011 Jen's eyelashes

When I started making these photographs I thought that just the fact that they were photographs of my wife who had cancer should be enough for people to understand what I was doing. Then it hit me, I still have to make strong photographs. Just because the content is powerful it doesn’t mean that light, composition, exposure and most important of all, feeling, can be ignored.

Jen in pain Urgent Care

At this point I decided that the best way to make these photographs was to hit the shutter when I felt something in my gut. I trusted my instincts and felt that if something moved me then I should photograph it. To help make this possible my camera was always ready.

Most of these photographs were made with a Nikon D7000, which has 2 user settings plus the manual mode. I knew that in our bathroom and kitchen the exposure I wanted was 1/125th at f/4, ISO 1600, so I programmed this as User Mode 1. For the rest of the apartment I wanted to be around ISO 3200, 1/60h at F/2.8 and I set User Mode 2 accordingly.

My camera was always within arm’s length and again, when something hit me in my gut, I made a photograph.

During my early years as a photographer I often felt that my photographs lacked something real. I wanted to make photographs that would make people think, photographs that would still be important long after I am gone. I had no idea that this would come in the form of photographing my late wife as she fought for her life. Photography became necessity – when Jennifer’s cancer metastasized to her liver and bone we and we realized that our family and friends didn’t understand how serious our life had become, my camera became my voice.

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My camera also became a way for me to escape the reality that the love of my life was dying right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop this. Often I would put my emotions away because I just had to stay strong for Jennifer… I knew there would be a day when I would be able to face these feelings.

These photographs have now become therapeutic for me. I look at photographs of Jennifer and I remember our love and all the challenges we faced together. Without these photographs I cannot imagine how I would be dealing with the loss of my wife. I tell people all the time that they should be making photographs of their life and technology has made this so much more accessible for everyone.

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12-17-2011 F/Stop guarding Jen

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from making these photographs is the importance of trust, respect and honesty. Jennifer trusted me. She knew that I would never make a photograph of her that was inappropriate. This trust let to Jennifer being completely open. Last October I attended the Eddie Adams Workshop in Upstate New York. Lynn Johnson spoke that weekend and she said something that resonated with me. Lynn said, “the people we are photographing are not subjects, they are humans.” I think of this every time I make a photograph.

Empty bed

12-29-2011 Following the hearse to Jen's burial

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Update: Merendino has now published his story as a digital book.


About the author: Angelo Merendino is a photographer based in New York. You can follow him on Twitter here. The project “The Battle We Didn’t Choose” can be found in its entirety here.


 
  • michaelp42

    Powerful images.

  • http://www.richardsnotes.org Richard

    Incredible. You’ve channelled an experience in words and images beautifully and openly. Thank you.

  • phoenix409

    those photos are amazing, they made me cry. im sorry for your loss.

  • http://www.facebook.com/steve.mcclory.oc Steve McClory

    I’m sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing these powerful images with us.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002617616386 Lynda Bowyer

    This photodocumentary should be award winning. Outstanding raw, powerful, ugly, beautiful work.

  • http://www.facebook.com/zosxavius Zos Xavius

    this story and your pictures brought tears to my eyes. I’m so very sorry.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1312995208 Christian DeBaun

    You have a lot of courage and love in your heart, and few could do what you have accomplished. Rest in peace Jennifer.

  • Adam Atkinson

    Going through this exact same thing right now. Did a video on youtube of me shaving girlfriends hair. It does help. painful, but helpful.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Wes-Stewart/1647108915 Wes Stewart

    Thanks for sharing your photos and your story

  • PaulPetch

    Powerful imagery. I’m very sorry for your loss.

  • Bess

    Very powerful. I am glad you were able to even photograph emotions so painful, yet unfortunately so real. Your tender treatment of each photograph is inspiring. I am so sorry for your loss. Your Jennifer is such a beautiful person. Thank-you for sharing and helping us understand, so we become more compassionate in our support of those who suffer.

  • Vin Weathermon

    She was wonderful, wasn’t she? I completely understand why you took these images. It would be wrong to ignore that “gut”. Hoping your work fills the void in time.

  • Will

    In your piece, you initially doubted yourself and the power of your imagery but let me be the first to say that what I have just seen is one of the most powerful statements on the true meaning of love.

  • Samuel

    Wow, deeply deeply moving and Pulitzer worthy work. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can take solace in the fact that time heals even the strongest loss

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Karen-Andersen-Cooke/508178417 Karen Andersen Cooke

    Wow, powerful. So very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

  • Kelli Casey Rowe

    So many times we see a photogragh and hear a comment like “it’s just too beautiful to capture on film”. The magnitude of life and love many times requires no words. The combination you have shared through your beautiful Jen’s life, is most real. So real. Continue finding beautiful means of love and life through those lens. They are magic for our senses. I wish you the very best.

  • Focalocity

    Thanks to you and Jennifer. I am a firm believer in bearing witness; it is important that we realize that life, even one as filled with love as yours and Jennifer’s was, is not always beautiful or picture-perfect. I am sorry for your loss, but after seeing those pictures, I am glad she has been relieved of such pain. Thoughts with you.

  • http://twitter.com/macjohnmcc John McCormick

    Thank you for sharing. It helps me to understand a little bit of what my wife went through with her first husband who had the same disease and suffered the same fate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1347631954 Chris Rusanowsky

    Amazing images and story. I am extremely sorry for the loss of your wife, I couldn’t even image what the two of you had gone threw. Stay strong my friend and keep making a difference with your camera.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tonia.rogers3 Tonia Ruggiero

    very well done, with love and patience. sorry for the life change, but it will make you a better person in everything you do. hugs.

  • Smiley

    Wow! This was heart wrenching ! my respects & condolences to you and all the family… She now rests in peace knowing she left being very loved and cared for tx for your courage and braveness in behalf of all women. You are a perfect example of a compasionte and loving husband and human being… Tx for sharing your photo story with the world it means alot! GBU
    Big hug from Smiley Otero (Carmen)

  • Sérgio Correia

    Truly sorry for you loss. I lost a good friend to cancer not long ago, almost same way you described. The best to you from across the Atlantic.

  • Tzctplus -

    The photographs are excellent and should remind everybody with a camera that photography’s main function is to bear witness …

  • http://twitter.com/albin2189 albin roussel

    I’m married with 3 kids. I wouldn’t want my wife to lose this war should this happen to us. The images hurt. The most powerful images I have seen for a while.

  • Andrew Gluck

    So sorry for your loss, I also lost the love of my life to cancer, it is an evil disease. Amazing photographs thank you for sharing.

  • Martin

    Highly humane and deeply touching. You captured Jennifer’s beauty all along. My deepest sympathies…

  • Bartman

    These are powerful and emotional images. I am very moved by them. Having recently been through cancer and never knowing what the future holds, these photos speak to me. They hold both hope and fear. My heart goes out to you . Brilliant work. Anything that we can to do raise awareness and work towards a cure is a step forward.

  • John Kantor

    Life isn’t in black and white. Why is death?

  • Yuyu

    I don’t have much words right now… simply amazing, moving, pure love.

  • Kisses

    I am so sorry for your loss, you were a wonderful mate for Jennifer. She was a lucky girl. Your work was so touching and scarry for me to watch.

    I myself am going for a Biopsy of my left breast this coming week after two mammograms that show probable malignancy. I am praying for the best outcome, but at the same time I fear the worst.

  • François

    Thank you so much for sharing these powerful images with us. I am a french wedding photographer and my wife too fight with skin cancer…
    I lost her 2 years ago. Our stories are the same

  • iyq

    im sorry for your loss.

  • Mansgame

    Using the viewfinder is often a great way to detach one’s self from the painful reality facing them. Very similar story to Jared Polin and his mother’s battle. These two need to get together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/wanda.angeles Wanda Rivera

    ♥ My condolences, so sorry for your loss. So sad your beautiful love story! Amazing work!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bifeancho Gabriel Alvarez

    I’m sorry for your loss, Angelo and family. I understand your story because I’ve had similar experiences with all the women in my family. It’s all-out war and every battle is unforgettable heroine reminds us that we win this war between all aware. “No one dies while someone you remember.”

  • alex

    so sad…

  • http://twitter.com/yummania eni turkeshi imagery

    i`m so touched.i`ve lost a beloved one of cancer too.this is such a brave and heartwarming love story.rest in peace dear Jen!

  • Albert

    A really powerful and emotional article. It brings back recent memories of my wife’s struggle with cancer. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Leamick

    sorry for your tremendous loss… very powerful and moving imagery, thank you for sharing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pavolsebo Paľo Šebo

    This is how you end up, when you choose to trust the official medicine. She could’ve been still alive and well, if she didn’t go the poisonous chemo way.

  • cbraat27 .

    Quit the chemo and you have a shot at a different ending. Google Juicing for cancer and and cannabis juicing or oil. Dont poison – support health. The body can heal.